Saturday, July 17, 2004 - This morning Nassau West President Kelly K. Bartram held a small ceremony at the Capitol to commend Nassau West Sheriff's Department Deputy Ivan "the Terrible" Bartram for "acting above and beyond the call of duty."

The President was advised last night upon his return from a trucking company in Tucson at about 9:45 PM that Deputy Bartram had received injury from a spider bite in the face. The Deputy had checked into the Nassau West Medical Center for treatment of a strange patch on his chin that somewhat resembles a rash. His chin is covered with little brown dots that look not unlike dirt, but they are not easily removed.

The Nassau West Sheriff's Department recovered the remains of a spider in the President's personal bathroom on Thursday night. It was later discovered that Ivan, upon seeing the intruder, attempted to apprehend the suspect. The suspect, according to Bartram's report, tried to elude the deputy, and a fight ensued.

During the altercation, apparently the deputy decided to eat the offender. He succeeded in eating most of the evidence. However, a dried-out shell of spider legs was left behind. It would appear that the spider would not go without a fight, and must have bitten Ivan on the chin. Hopefully, he will recover, the spider is dead. Let this be a lesson to the rest of them.

Immediately upon moving in at the Capitol, President Bartram issued a proclamation stating that any intruders not only inside the Capitol, but those on the Capitol grounds, as well, may be summarily executed by any means necessary. To date, five large (2") hairy spiders, several moths, a grasshopper, a few beetles, and many ants have met their demise at the hands of the Nassau West Sheriff's Department.

Last week, the Nassau West Air Force flew air strikes over an encampment on the Capitol grounds. A few moments later, well over a hundred ants lay dead or dying. An Air Force spokesman, who requested anonymity, says the air strikes will continue, and perhaps increase, until the threat posed by the invaders camped directly in front of the Capitol door subsides.