Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2005 - The past couple of weeks have not been very newsworthy as a result of a media blackout that occurred due to some national security concerns at the Capitol.

One week ago (Wed., Apr. 13) the infamous "Dark Army" successfully slipped past Capitol security and viciously attacked Nassau West President Kelly K. Bartram in his sleeping quarters at the Capitol. President Bartram survived the attack, unlike his attackers, but sustained extensive physical damage in the process.

Bartram, feeling that he might die at any moment, scribbled out a Last Will & Testament and laid it near his bed. Sometime after 3 AM he finally fell asleep. He woke at the usual time and went on about his business. Bartram made it through Thursday without any problems (other than being very tired). Friday, in Tucson, the "Dark Army" again struck the President. Again, heavily battered, he survived.

This past Saturday night, Bartram was rushed to the Benson Hospital with extreme mouth pain accompanied by an unusually severe anxiety attack. The Capitol Medical Center tried to treat the ailing President, but decided that they were not adequately equipped to handle such an emergency and ordered the transfer.

While at the Benson Hospital, Bartram's blood pressure was checked three times. The first two readings were abnormally high. About fifteen minutes after a shot in the "hip" of Percocet, Bartram's blood pressure was checked again. The third reading was only slightly above normal.

With the mouth pain and the panic attack both significantly diminished, after being chauffeured back to the Capitol, Bartram slept heavily until 10:30 on Sunday morning. Sunday passed with no further mouth pain, however, there was mild anxiety discomfort for most of the day, which has become quite common.

Today, the President went in for an appointment with a Benson Hospital doctor to check his progress and to delve further into the possible causes of his recent ailments. Bartram got an initial exam in which his height, weight, temperature, blood pressure, etc., were recorded. During this process it was discovered that in the past week the President has shed ten pounds.

The overall diagnosis was better than expected. Apparently, much like he thought, President Bartram will have to overhaul the way he lives. Smoking is out - completely. Smoking is a key contributor to both the mouth problems and the anxiety/panic problems he has been experiencing. Drinking will have to be controlled.

Surprisingly, the drinking being referred to is the President's favorite beverage, Dr Pepper. According to the doctor, Dr Pepper has 22 teaspoons (1 1/3 cup) of sugar per 12 ounce serving. Bartram usually drinks one or two 64 ounce cups of Dr Pepper per day. That's way too much sugar (almost 14 cups)!

The President's eating habit will have to change, as well. The daily greasy burgers and Mexican food are going to have to be replaced with more healthy foods, resorting to these previous favorites only occasionally. And most importantly, Bartram will have to start drinking water, and lots of it.