"Life itself is a race, marked by a start and a finish. It is what we learn during the race, and how we apply it, that determines whether our participation has had particular value." © Copyright 1989-2012 KKB Enterprises, Ltd.
~ Ferry Porsche (1909-1988)
Home
December, 2010
November, 2010
October, 2010
September, 2010
August, 2010
July, 2010
June, 2010
May, 2010
April, 2010
March, 2010
February, 2010
January, 2010
2011 Archives
2010 Archives
2009 Archives
Older Archives
Please be advised that this Web site, all of its sub-sites, and all other material contained herein are the intellectual property of this Web site, and more specifically Kelly K. Bartram.
All references to the Federal Republic of Nassau West, or its agencies, bureaus, departments, etc., are purely fictitious, and are for entertainment purposes only!
No part of this work may be used or reproduced in whole or in part by any means without the express written consent of Kelly K. Bartram. All rights reserved, damn 'ya!
All other copyrights, logos, service marks, trademarks, etc., used on this site are property of their respective owners.
Powered by Ivan
100627 1422 The Older Crowd
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Comments? 100627 1407 The Cowboy Solution to Save Gasoline
President Obama wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use ...
The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 25 million illegal immigrants! That would be 25 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan. Tell him if he wants to come to America, then he must serve a tour in OUR military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended THIS country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both problems, pass it on to your friends. I just did. When the leftists are gone, only real men will remain.
Comments? 100627 1359 The Older Crowd
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a long, awkward moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription bottle is marked 'NO REFILLS'?!"
Comments? 100627 1347 ALERT! Be careful of plastic bottles lying on your property.
FYI. The following alert information is confirmed by Snopes. Pay attention to the following:
1. A plastic bottle with a cap. People are finding these bombs in mailboxes and in their yards, just waiting for you to pick it up intending to put it in the trash. But, you'll never make it!!! It takes about 30 seconds to blow after you move the thing.
For more information on this, please see Snopes.com to verify and to see a video of the effects of one of these homemade bottle bombs.
Comments? 100627 1332 The Older Crowd
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal*Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence ... I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours!"
Comments? 100627 1320 Things that make you say, "Oh, Shit!"
100627 1221 The Older Crowd
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Comments? 100627 0036 Women Over 50 - by 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
Comments? 100627 0032 The Older Crowd
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, down many roads, and some of those roads weren't paved.
Comments? 100627 0028 Those Catholics
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
Comments? 100627 0021 Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Comments? 100626 2341 U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E! Petstar Einstein
2. A little Drano.
3. A little water.
4. A small piece of foil.
5. Disturb it by moving it ... and BOOM!!
6. No fingers left and other serious damage to your face, eyes, etc.
Received via email from Wayland C. Bartram
Comments?
Comments?
100626 1905 Sports Picture of the Year
100626 1900 Miscommunication
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report
it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to ...
100626 1317 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram The more distance you put between yourself and your last drink, the easier it becomes to never have another.
Comments? 100620 1519 FACEBOOK: John Jay Hampton "All these people who are going around saying that Obama is over his head and doesn't know what he's doing are full of it. I personally know better and can vouch for him. He's loyal, dedicated, and one of my most stalwart advocates. He has definitely turned into a well-rounded young man and I am very proud of him." ~ Satan
Comments? 100620 1341 Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
Comments? 100620 1313 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram Happy Father's Day to Wayland C. Bartram and all the rest of the great dads out there ... including a large number of my friends. Don't worry, I'll join the club some day! ;)
Comments? 100620 1306 Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
Comments? 100620 1300 US, Israel Warships in Suez May Be Prelude to Faceoff with Iran
Egypt allowed at least one Israeli and 11 American warships to pass through the Suez Canal as an Iranian flotilla approaches Gaza. Egypt closed the canal to protect the ships with thousands of soldiers, according to the British-based Arabic language newspaper Al Quds al-Arabi.
One day prior to the report on Saturday, Voice of Israel government radio reported that the Egyptian government denied an Israeli request not to allow the Iranian flotilla to use the Suez Canal to reach Gaza, in violation of the Israeli sea embargo on the Hamas-controlled area.
International agreements require Egypt to keep the Suez open even for warships, but the armada, led by the USS Truman with 5,000 sailors and marines, was the largest in years. Egypt closed the canal to fishing and other boats as the armada moved through the strategic passageway that connects the Red and Mediterranean Seas.
More · Comments? 100620 1255 The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Comments? 100620 1252 How BP might handle spilled coffee in the conference room.
100613 1846 Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter,' asked Larry, 'giving up?'
Comments? 100613 1705 This is taken from a twitter conversation regarding Barack Obama's disregard for this country, and the proverbial daily "punch in the face" we get from him daily, according to syndicated talk show host Tammy Bruce.
HeyTammyBruce @kbartram Yes, but now we're punching back ;) Oh, Obama Bingo at tammybruce.com for Tues night Obama lecture! More information about Tammy Bruce, including Barack's Bullshit Bingo game, can be found at her web site, TammyBruce.com. She also is on Facebook, twitter, and MySpace. Links to all of these are available on her site.
Comments? 100613 1520 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Comments? 100613 1234 Why I am Voting Democrat
Source: The WilCo Conservative Voice (Blog) I'm voting Democrat because English has no place being the official language in America.
I'm voting Democrat because I'd rather pay $4 for a gallon of gas than allow drilling for oil off the coasts of America.
I'm voting Democrat because I think the government will do a better job of spending my money than I could.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe businesses in America should not be allowed to make profits. Businesses should just break even and give the rest to the government so politicians and bureaucrats can redistribute the money the way they think it should be redistributed."
I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq, I know the Islamic terrorists will stop trying to kill us because they'll think we're a good and decent country.
I'm voting Democrat so that no family member of mine will die in a hospital bed. They will still be waiting in line for Obama's socialized medicine, so they will never actually make it into a hospital bed.
I'm voting Democrat because everyone knows that raising taxes at the top won't hurt people at the bottom.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe people who can't tell us if it will rain in two or three days, can now tell us the polar ice caps will disappear in ten years if I don't start riding a bicycle, build a windmill or inflate my tires to proper levels.
I'm voting Democrat because it's alright to kill millions of babies as long as we keep violent, convicted murderers on death row alive.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe guns, and not the people misusing them, are the cause of crimes and killings.
I'm voting Democrat because when someone with a weapon threatens my family or me, I know the government can respond faster through a call to 911 than I can with a gun in my hand.
I'm voting Democrat because oil companies' 5% profit on a gallon of gas are obscene, but government taxes of 18% on the same gallon of gas are just fine.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four elitist liberals should rewrite the Constitution every few months to suit some fringe element that could never get their agenda past voters.
I'm voting Democrat because illegal aliens are not criminals, are not sucking up resources through government aid, hospital services, education, or social services, but are just people trying to make a better life by coming to America illegally. We can't blame them for that, can we?
I'm voting Democrat because the same teacher that didn't teach my child to read can reasonably educate them about sex.
I'm voting Democrat because my trial lawyer's crippling multi-million dollar lawsuits against doctors, hospitals, drug companies, and HMO's will make health insurance and medicine much more affordable.
I'm voting Democrat because Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesse Jackson will end racism once and for all.
I'm voting Democrat because Christians in the Republican Party are intolerant, theocratic warmongers and atheists like William Ayers have never hurt anybody.
I'm voting Democrat because I like eminent domain and big business and government kicking me out of my home and taking my land.
I'm voting Democrat because skin color and good oratory skills are more important than judgment and experience.
I'm voting Democrat because protecting barren wasteland is more important than energy independence.
I'm voting Democrat because my college professor told me that America is evil and should give up its place in the world.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that Cuba, Russia, and China should be on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that everyone is essentially good -- even people like Ahmadinejad who call for the destruction of Israel. He just needs a little understanding.
I'm voting Democrat because we should all be forced to drive ugly cars with the horsepower of a riding lawnmower.
I am voting Democrat because I believe in change; although I don't know WHAT the change will be, or HOW it will happen, AND I am pretty sure that I won't WANT to actually change anything I do, but still ... I believe in change.
I'm voting Democrat because the government knows how to raise children better than parents do.
I'm voting Democrat because I want the rich to work harder, give me their money, and pay for my services so I don't have to.
Now if you believe I will vote democrat, just string me up to the nearest tree!
Comments?
Received via email from Seth O'Brien
Comments?
Received via email from my friend, Kim
Comments?
kbartram @HeyTammyBruce Isn't it nice that he continues our daily punches to the face ... even on weekends?!
4:14 PM Jun 13th via web from Benson, AZ in reply to HeyTammyBruce
4:21 PM Jun 13th via web in reply to kbartram
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hey, dammit, where's the rest?!
Click the links on the left for prior months.
