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100829 0013 What More Do They Have to Do?!
100828 2207 Something to Make You Smile
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should just relax and get used to the idea.
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his dying breath John said, "I do!"
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100828 2132 New Liquor Labels
Due to increased liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following labels be placed on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical kung fu powers, thereby resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol my cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. Chew your arm off, you've got another (if this is your first time).
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100828 2100 Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then, I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her." "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel as also a fine invention, but the wheel does, not go nearly as well with pizza." Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100821 1631 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram According to National Geographic, "the slaughter of South Africa's rhinos continues unchecked." How come we can't rid ourselves of the RINOs in OUR country? :P
Comments? 100821 1448 Proposed Platform for the 2010 Election
Seems like an impossible goal but, like anything else worthwhile, positive change has to start somewhere. It will take political courage to introduce this bill in Congress ... however that is how careers are made!
THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!
I am sending this to virtually everybody on my e-mail list and that includes conservatives, liberals, and everybody in between. Even though we disagree on a number of issues, I count all of you as friends. My friend and neighbor wants to promote a "Congressional Reform Act of 2010". It would contain eight provisions, all of which would probably be strongly endorsed by those who drafted the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
I know many of you will say, "this is impossible". Let me remind you, Congress has the lowest approval of any entity in Government; now is the time when Americans will join together to reform Congress - the entity that represents us.
We need to get a Senator to introduce this bill in the US Senate and a Representative to introduce a similar bill in the US House. These people will become American heroes.
Thanks, REMEMBER: Serving in Congress is an honor, NOT a career! The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.
Proposed Congressional Reform Act of 2010
1. TERM LIMITS: 12 YEARS ONLY, one of the possible options below. 2. No Tenure/No Pension: A member of Congress collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when he or she is out of office.
3. Members of Congress (past, present & future) participate in Social Security: All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security System. All members of Congress participate with the American people.
4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.
5. Congress will no longer vote itself a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
6. Congress loses its current health care system and participates in the same health care system as American citizens.
7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.
8. All contracts with past and present congresspeople are void effective 1/1/11.
The American people did not make this contract with the Congress. Congresspeople made all these contracts for themselves.
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100821 1348 Quickies
I dialed a number and got the following recording: Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100816 2130 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram Obama and the Presidents ... an interesting observation.
Interesting - Have you noticed? <== Click the link, damn 'ya! ;)
Comments? 100812 2044 FACEBOOK: Art Roth Am I a Fireman Now?
In Phoenix, Arizona, a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6-year-old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.
Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"
"Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."
Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."
Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix.
She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedics' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window ... 16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are, and The Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said.
With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing." He then closed his eyes one last time, a fireman.
Comments? 100807 2338 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram Citing unprecedented financial hardship, the Nassau West Department of State has ordered the closure of the Nassau West Benson Embassy.
Comments? 100807 1936 Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other."
"There, your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'"
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100806 2359 FACEBOOK: Kelly K Bartram Hey! Mother Nature ... show me the fury, damn you! Forty days and forty nights ... you know the routine -- now get at it!
Comments? 100805 2246 Anagrams
an·a·gram - n. 1. A word or phrase formed by reordering the letters of another word or phrase, such as satin to stain. 2. anagrams (used with a sing. verb) A game in which players form words from a group of randomly picked letters.
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale ...
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100805 2244 US and Them (Edited)
We're "broke" and can't help our seniors, our veterans, our orphans, or our homeless? In the last month, 'WE' have provided aid to foreign nations, including Haiti, Chile, and Turkey ... all of which are hostile towards the United States.
Our retired seniors living on a fixed income receive no aid or get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour hundreds of millions of dollars and tons of food to foreign countries! We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.
The United States is a country where we have our homeless without shelter, our children going to bed hungry, our elderly going without needed meds, and our mentally ill without treatment.
Yet, they have a 'benefit' for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, with Presidents past and present pleading for your dollars in a recession, and ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents, clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies ... for foreigners.
Imagine if our government gave 'US' the same support they give to foreign countries. Sad, isn't it?
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100805 2243 Oakland Coach
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. (Continued in Comments ...)
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KA-BOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland!!"
Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100801 2329 On her unfavorability amongst Independents, "If I believed everything that I read or heard in the media, I wouldn't like me either!" ~ Sarah Palin, on Fox News Sunday with Chris Matthews. Git'em! ;)
The following comments were posted on my Facebook page in regards to the Sarah Palin video. Normally, I don't repost this stuff here, but this was a pretty good debate, ending with Lyle on the wrong side of history.
~ Jack Handy.
~ Frank Sinatra.
~ Ernest Hemingway
~ W.C. Fields
~ Henny Youngman
~ Stephen Wright
~ Benjamin Franklin
~ Dave Barry
A Fellow American
A. Two six year Senate terms.
B. Six two year House terms.
C. One six year Senate term and three two year House terms.
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
| Susan Conway DeRosa Also liked her answer about what was on her palm.....said it wasn't big enough for all the talking points, but made sure she had $3.7 trillion written across it! Love her |
| Kelly K Bartram Yeah, that was good, too. She'll make a fine President. |
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| Susan Conway DeRosa First time I heard her indicate she wasn't interested, but wants to continue being a King/Queen maker. Good interview. |
| Lyle Tanner When did she start reading the news? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkWebP2Q0Y |
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| Kelly K Bartram It that the best you could come up with? A stupid question repeated by Katie Couric? What difference does it make which publications she reads? Which publications do you read? |
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| Lyle Tanner I typically don't read printed news. However, I do read azcentral.com, cnn.com, and wired.com's danger room daily. "I've read most of them... all of them... any of them" isn't a very intelligent response and Sarah Palin is not an intelligent person. I really do not understand why she is appealing as a politician to some people. Entertaining, sure... Intelligent? Certainly not intelligent enough to be trusted with making informed decisions about critical issues that affect the world. Give her a TV or Radio show to compete with Glenn Beck and Russ Limbaugh. While I do not agree with Beck or Limbaugh, I at least believe they are significantly more intelligent than this half-wit. |
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| Kelly K Bartram Oh, I see. Your guy is so smart he has to have teleprompters all around him or he says what he actually thinks, and his numbers continue to go down. Next time, I think it will be either her or Hillary, but I think your boy is finished. Choose a better candidate next time, please. |
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| Lyle Tanner My guy? I mentioned Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sarah Palin. None of them I would consider "my guy". This issue at hand is that a certain level of intelligence is required to process all of the information that a high ranking politician will receive and then make an informed, intelligent decision. Clearly, this potential candidate is not equipped for that. Likable personality or not. I personally think an IQ test should be a requirement to run for any public office. I wonder if that might work to our advantage though... Perhaps our adversaries would refuse to have battle of wits with such an unarmed person. :) |
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| Kelly K Bartram I was speaking of Mr. Obama. I think you know that. We would have done well to subject Mr. Obama to the IQ test you speak of. He would likely have been more ineligible for the Office than he already is. Although I will readily admit that we may have a problem with other world leaders respecting a woman as our President, I also think she'd scare the hell out of them ... and a good portion of the left here, as well. Actually, she's already doing that. I don't remember this personally, as I was only 7 at the time, but the very day Ronald Reagan was sworn into Office, Iran released the hostages they had held for 444 days under the Carter Administration. The Iranians KNEW not to mess with him, as Libya later learned -- and they'll KNOW not to mess with Sarah Palin, too. |
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| Lyle Tanner Kelly, do you really think of Sarah Palin as an intelligent person or a scholar? I would imagine that few people do. While we might not like President Obama's policies, he is at least intelligent and well educated. Obviously these qualities alone do not make a good President, however, I do believe that these qualities are certainly a requirement. You speak of instilling fear in our adversaries, but respect is the basis of good foreign policy, not fear. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy amount of fear attached to that respect, but if you try to rule the world with fear, you will inevitably fail. |
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| Kelly K Bartram I'm not interested in another elitist snob from the Ivy League. The last several presidents have been elitists, actually all of them back to Reagan, who the Republican Party DID NOT want. He was a common man, and the vast majority of the country did, and still does, love Ronald Reagan. He wasn't perfect, but he was one of us, and actually cared about us and loved the country. I haven't seen those qualities since him, but I do see them in Sarah Palin, who is portrayed as an idiot. She is not an idiot, even though she didn't go to Harvard. Also, she would not be apologizing to hostile nations for the United States, and she sure as hell wouldn't be bowing to foreign leaders. What a joke this first-term junior senator from a corrupt state is. It might even be funny, if he wasn't destroying the country. It's OK, though, we've suffered before in this country (Carter), and came out much stronger for it. November is right around the corner, and 2012 isn't that far off, either. |
| Marcy Stephens Kudos to you Kelly!! I cant tell you how much I enjoy your posts. Not only are they informed, but you don't pussyfoot around the issues!! |
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| Susan Conway DeRosa I agree w/ Marcy, and apologize for being unavailable when the usual whining came up here re: Gov. Palin. Yes, BTW, she's a self-made woman who worked hard to become governor of Alaska, demonstrating executive experience while raising a family, happily married, lives by principals, faith, positive attitude, sense of humor, conservative values, is physically fit and looks great. She was insulted by Couric's elitist question and gave a flip answer, but those that were ready to attack her made that their rallying cry. This president was elected with no experience, with the exception of community organizing, giving speeches and receiving Chicago-style political favors. We are fortunate to have a strong woman who is willing to bring solutions forward while tolerating the b.s. from the lamestream media. What are people afraid of here? Common sense? Try tolerating some of that instead of hope and change. It's got a better track record too. |
100801 0029 Proof that Men Have Better Friends ...
Friendship Among Women: Friendship Among Men: Contributed via Email by Wayland Bartram · Comments? 100801 0002 Bud Light Presents - Real Men of Genius Commercials (I miss these!)
100801 0001 Some of my favorite recent pics uploaded to deviantART
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there!
Hey, dammit, where's the rest?!
Click the links on the left for prior months.
